Why I Gave up

 Hi cuties!

Thank you so much for reading my blog today! It means alot to me!

I hope each and every one of you are doing well!

Today I was thinking, maybe a bit too much, and I realized that alot of you only know me as Pookie. The kawaii fashion amateur model influencer wannabe! But the other part of you knew me once as Blep. A full time streamer who mostly just yapped, even though a game screen was pulled up hehehe.

I don’t think I ever really explained why I stopped streaming or why it seems like I've changed so much in the past two years, so I figured I would just write it here!

Soooo long story slightly less long but I'm a yapper so I guess we'll see-

I burned myself out so bad. I was streaming daily at one point, and catering to American time zones which meant I didn't get off stream until well after midnight, and when I started my current job it was hard to keep up with. 

I started skipping streams so I could sleep at a reasonable time, and also had to deal with my chrinic illnesses on top of it all. I skipped a day, week, then a month, then three months, and at that point I didn't really know how to return. 

It all felt like too much. and during all of this I lost friends, and alot of my streaming buddies got wrapped up in their own lives so I was kind of alone, I dealt with alot of behind the scenes drama and finally I decided it was too overwhelming. 

I just needed a break. 

But while I was feeling overwhelmed and defeated, I found myself. 

I finally started wearing my cute fashion out and about. I felt like I was more free to express myself and be who I wanted to be.

I started making friends in these spaces by simply sharing my passions with others. I started to really find what made me feel like myself. 

And then I got the call that I was invited to Tokyo for a fan design event. That day was one of the very best of my life. I knew right then that I was being my authentic self and I was so happy with who I had become. I enjoyed it so much I even cried that evening, proud of myself for finally being ME.

 I then visited my hometown for the first time in 5 years and I felt like I shined even brighter with the support of my loved ones. I knew if I returned to streaming it wouldn't be the same, and I was so scared of dissapointing everyone. I worked hard, streamed for many years and made a community I loved so deeply. But now, I worry if I returned to playing games and yapping, the community I built would feel like I was a fraud. and in a way, maybe I was.

I think about streaming frequently. I miss it. But I worry no one will want to hear about my fashion interests. I fear that returning to streaming would be me returning without a mask, my true self online for anyone and everyone to judge. It feels like im naked in front of the whole world! A return would be me having to sit down and face myself again and thats hard to do.

I know my community wasnt huge, only a few hundered, but that was more than I ever could have imagined before! I cared about every single person who joined and you were all supporting me! I became friends with most of you, You were more than viewers, or chat, or other streamers, you were people I wanted to support and people who gave that same energy back.

I dont have excuses or a real reason after all. Its all just fear. And I know I can do things, even when I'm scared.

I have been toying with the idea of streaming again, even if I know some people might feel like I have changed too much. I just miss it. I miss having the community and socializing with you all. 

I dont go by Blep anymore, but Blep is still me. Pookie is a more personal nickname, as its been what my family has called me since i was a baby. I chose Blep as a name to hide myself.

(Blep name backstory)

It was 2016 and Love Nikki Dress Up just released on the App store and i was just gifted my very first (used) Iphone (Thank you Mands! You are so awesome for that!) I didnt want anyone to know that I was in my 20s playing a dress-up game, so I gave myself the name Blep as a way to stay hidden online. I chose Blep because my cats tongue was blepping and it was so cute!  

I went by Blep on twitch for similer reasons, I wanted to be semi-annonomuys. But eventually my streaming became something I loved and wanted to share with everyone so the line between Blep and Pookie began to blur.. Eventually I decided that Blep served their purpouses, and kept me safe and hidden away long enough. It was Pookies time! and maybe one day Pookie will vanish and a year later return under a new name... and if that happens, I hope that you, dear reader, will hear me out again, and extend your understanding to me once more.

Thank you for reading, I hope you all have wonderful holidays!!

Yours cutely,

-Pookie